Why online dating is good. It’s interesting how, with certain patterns, you can make a great online dating profile.I spoke with Whitney Perry, the founder of the Single Online Dating Guide, who shared a great analogy.If you are wearing a dress that has zippers up the side, you can show what the dress looks like in a different way to different people by zipping it up a bit.

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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My 13-year-old trans son recently told me that a friend’s mom gave him, the friend (also trans), a vibrator. I know my kid thinks his friend’s mom is generally wacky and that she does not support her son being transgender and is generally ultra-religious, so I said something like, “Wow, that surprises me, and it seems kind of intrusive to get that from your mom.” (I was actually wondering if this was some kind of don’t-be-trans thing from the mom—like, clitorises are great! Here, have a vibrator! Look! Fun! I had no idea where this conversation was going.)

My son replied, “Yeah.” Then he went on, “Well, I guess it’s not illegal or anything. I guess it wouldn’t be hard to get one, even for a kid. They could probably figure it out … ” I wasn’t sure where all this was going, so I said again, “It seems like a weird thing for a mom to give a kid out of nowhere. I guess if a kid asked me for one, I’d get it for them.” At which point my kid made that pleading I-want-a-puppy face, and I said, “You want a vibrator?” And he said, “Yeah,” and I said, “OK, I’ll get you one.” So my questions are, is there any reason a 13-year-old shouldn’t have a vibrator? I can’t think of any special health hazard or anything—is there one? I guess I’m actually kind of happy he’s feeling that accepting of his body since I know with dysphoria, for a long time, he just felt like everything “down there” on him was gross and wrong. Am I crazy to think this whole thing is good, maybe? Am I crazy to get my kid a vibrator if he wants one?

—Vibin’

Dear Vibin’,

Philosophically, I see nothing wrong with you buying your 13-year-old son a sex toy, as he will be masturbating anyway. Just as you wouldn’t try to stop a fish from swimming or a bird from flying, so should you not attempt to impede a teenager from masturbating. By providing a vibrator, you are not merely being sex-positive; you’re fostering efficiency. That is good parenting, if you ask me.

But I’m guessing that part of why you’re asking this question is because facilitating a teen’s sexual expression is taboo and may feel like a weird thing to do, given teens’ vulnerability to exploitation. I thought it might be useful to get a legal expert on the record here, so I talked to Larry Walters, a First Amendment lawyer who serves as general counsel to the Woodhull Freedom Foundation, a nonprofit that advocates for sexual expression as a human right. I asked Walters if you could get in legal trouble for giving your son a vibrator, and the answer is probably not. “If a law enforcement agency wanted to prohibit the gifting of a toy to one’s child, I think there are significant constitutional issues that could be implicated in terms of family privacy rights,” he told me.

Regarding your health concerns: I haven’t come across any compelling arguments against a teen using a vibrator, but I’ve heard quite a few anecdotes in favor of it (such as this one). The notion that vibrators will desensitize genitals is sex-negative fear-mongering. A vibrator is preferable to whatever makeshift aid not manufactured for the purpose of masturbation your kid would forage (and teens, they will a-forage). Advise him to pay special attention to instructions, cleaning, and care, and don’t start with something that seems too advanced or complicated. This seems to me like a healthy situation from a sexual and communicative perspective, but maybe talk to your kid’s doctor, just to be safe, about any potential dysphoria-related issues that may come up here.

Dear How to Do It,

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I have had an attraction to men most of my life. Because of my lifestyle, I have never acted on my urges, and my life has been me just pleasing women. However, for me to finish, I have to think of being with men. My current wife and I do love each other, and over the years, she has asked me if I’m gay. My wife has had problems getting me off for years, and this has caused multiple issues within our marriage. At this point, we both understand we love each other, but the love is gone. We don’t sleep in the same room, and we are pretty much together for the kids.

I have asked her in the past to try and use toys on me during sex, but she was disgusted with the idea. Over the last couple of months, I have looked on gay or bi dating sites. But I don’t know what’s real, or they ask for money to initiate conversations. I am not exactly a club kinda guy; I fantasize about “bull” type men, I just don’t know where to start. This is my first time ever attempting to act on the urges I have had since I was young, and these sites are basically turning me away from trying this and finally finding the real me. My question would be: Before I start adding money to join sites, is there a way or place to just talk to someone and find that comfortable place? I don’t know what all the abbreviations mean or how to classify myself. I just know this is something I have thought about for a long time, and I am nervous. I just want to find a place that I can talk without worries it’s a paid model, or someone fake, or a scam. Any advice?

—Looking

Dear Looking,

I sure hope you aren’t asking me how to cheat on your wife. Since I made a New Year’s resolution to give people the benefit of the doubt more often and it isn’t yet February, I will operate under the assumption that you’re behaving ethically. If you have already told your wife that you’re going to pursue your nearly lifelong hankering for men and she has given you her blessing, keep reading. If not, go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200. (And by that I mean: Go have a conversation with her, figure out your agreement, or consider a divorce, as needed.)

I’m not sure who is asking you for money to initiate conversations—the dating sites or the men you’re trying to talk to. But either way, you can do this kind of chatting for free on hookup apps like Grindr or Scruff. I can’t imagine anything grimmer than having to pay for the uncivil treatment common in virtual spaces where men cruise for sex, so don’t do that. As you feel comfortable, put up a decent picture, fill out the fields you understand (you can Google the ones you don’t), and maybe focus on guys who approach you with sentences instead of acronyms. You can even write “new to this” in your bio.

But honestly, it sounds like you may need a more neutral forum before you start shopping for dick. I think you should check out more discussion-oriented spaces, such as the r/comingout or r/GayMen subreddits. You could also look into your local LGBTQ+ center (find it here), since it may offer support/discussion groups and/or social events that will create low-pressure environments to meet and speak with other likeminded men. In terms of finding “bull” type men, whatever that means precisely, it sounds like you’d have the best luck in spaces for bears—when you’re ready, you can try a leather bar. While speaking with strangers online, you always run the risk that they could be lying to you even about something as major as their identity (what the kids call “catfishing”). A good thing to remember, though, is that they can’t steal money from you if you don’t give it to them. So don’t.

Dear How to Do It,

I am a college student, and this question concerns a friend of mine, who we’ll call Jaime.
Jaime is one of my closest friends, the subject of my unfortunate affections, and also my manager at our shared workplace (we both turned 21 during fall semester). We met at the beginning of the year when I began volunteering for the campus department we now both work in. Jaime, as manager, was tasked with training me. I very quickly realized there was chemistry between us. While I tried to just ask him out when we’d first met and save us all the heartache, my mouth found itself incapable of coughing up those words and I accidentally fell into a great friendship with him instead, eventually going to parties with his friends and drinking with them. Our friendship grew very close, and every time we drank together the physical closeness increased.

Jaime is asexual, and though he’s certainly got a dirty sense of humor, both of us are typically very touch-averse people. But when we drank together, the touch boundary disintegrated, and this too slowly escalated, from holding hands and hair petting to eventual cuddling. Our college is not an especially big drinking school, but typically when parties happen people drink a lot, and Jaime is no exception. All of this would not be my problem, except Jaime started making unwanted sexual advances while drunk. Not unwanted by me—unwanted by his sober self. While nothing too serious happened, just cuddling and the discussion of sex, it was still alarming to him. We discussed this later, sober, and decided we wouldn’t drink together because of this and only be friends—though I told him about my “crush.”

In the weeks following, we became closer friends, and I was hired to work in the department with a paid position, meaning now he was officially my “boss.” Jaime continued to act too close for someone who doesn’t reciprocate a friend’s feelings. His usual sex jokes, often targeted at himself or me specifically, continued, as did jokes about our relationship dynamic (“Guess we’re just electric together, huh?” when we shocked each other with static, etc.), and about dating and relationships. I thought that he might have misconstrued our earlier conversation, and we had a conversation about this. It ended up fairly one-sided—the only thing he had to say was that he’d never been interested and wouldn’t ever be, and he was sorry for the mixed signals.

The whole thing left me feeling shitty, and our friendship is currently in a rocky place. While I have talked to people (and my therapist) about how to rebuild a friendship if Jaime still wants one, and how to keep things from being awkward at work, I can’t stop thinking about the discrepancy between his behavior drunk and sober. He’s got no memory of most of these nights, and his justification sober is that he’s a “try everything once” type of person (as am I), and while drunk he might have wanted to have sex to see what it was like, and it was not personal. He maintains there isn’t any attraction on his end. Obviously. nothing is going to happen here, and the “no” is the half of the mixed signal you have to listen to, but I can’t get over the disjunct. The whole thing has me shaken and frustrated with every piece of the equation, but mostly myself, and asking the age-old question, “Why isn’t he into me?”

—Just Not That Into You

Dear JNTIY,

Jaime’s issues, which seem numerous, are beyond you. It’s trite to say that this is about him, not you, and even if you understand this on some level, it may not entirely satisfy you as an answer. But I can say with fair certainty that it’s true here, and I think committing to that belief will make the situation more tolerable.

Alcohol reduces inhibitions, and for some reason Jaime feels the need to maintain them otherwise. There’s probably some shame and personal mismanagement happening there. It sounds to me like he’s still got a journey ahead of him regarding his sexuality, but even if not, and his asexual identity is fixed and immutable, it’s not like you had a real shot anyway. Mixed signals are irresponsible means of communication, at best, and that he continued such transmissions after you discussed them (not to mention your crush on him) is borderline cruel. From your description—and it was rather thorough, no shade—you have been a good friend, and he has not. He doesn’t deserve you. You’re young enough to have the energy to search for the good in everyone, and to believe that friends are worth keeping. That is sweet, but there are advantages to growing old and jaded. You’re less likely to waste time on people who don’t deserve it, for one thing. Do yourself a favor and get a head start on that now. Forget Jaime and move on.

Dear How to Do It,

I’d like some input on hookup site etiquette. I’m a reasonably attractive sixtysomething single gay man, and I’ve had some success in meeting men on one of the sites that does not focus on a specific type of guy—apparently a fair number of younger men are into daddies, which can be discerned in their profiles . Lately, right after hooking up with a few men in their 30s and 40s, they’ve blocked me from their profiles, and their phones if we exchanged numbers. In every case, the sex was great, I’ve been careful about consent, and there was some lovely and affectionate after play.

There was no discussion or expectation of getting together again—I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m not social media savvy—no Facebook, Instagram, etc.—so is what I’ve described a common practice? Perhaps ghosting is a way to avoid having to say “no” if I were to propose meeting again? Or maybe I misread how they experienced our time together? Is etiquette and social media an oxymoron? Generation gap? Your thoughts would be appreciated.

—West Coast Daddy

Dear West Coast Daddy,

Shame strikes again, I reckon. One can be of many minds about the same hookup: At the very least, there’s the pre-hookup mind and the post-hookup one. The former is one of openness and excitement; the latter can be clouded by regret. I have no way to say what it is about you exactly that these guys are responding to, but take solace in the possibility that it may be nothing.

Residual shame from unresolved issues related to their queer sexuality (or their “daddy” preference) may cause these guys to immediately attempt to erase from their memories and lives any trace of the sex that just took place. They may have boyfriends (or girlfriends) and be paranoid about them finding out what happened. Or yes, perhaps they enjoyed the encounter less than you did and were putting on a show to get through it. You just don’t know what’s happening in people’s heads.

Blocking in general—no matter how needless or confusing it is to the person being blocked—is, for whatever reason, indeed fairly common on these apps. Etiquette does exist in the abstract, but the problem is that its interpretation and application varies widely. The problem with unwritten social rules is they float freely in the ether. One guy may think it’s more polite to block someone instead of bluntly explaining why he isn’t interested in hooking up again, and another may believe the opposite. This disparity and its attendant tensions are consequences of quick, imprecise hook-up app matches. Very much like Curb Your Enthusiasm, these apps frequently expose the futility of civility in a space where subjective interpretations of that very notion clash so readily. However, hook-up apps are nowhere nearly as humorous or brilliant as Curb, and actually kind of tragic at times, even. There’s the rub. Good luck?

—Rich

More Advice From Slate

Recently, I was hooking up with a guy from Grindr who was behaving a bit oddly. He invited me to his apartment building but said we had to meet in the building’s pool showers and not his apartment because he was being “discreet.” After we finished, we were getting dressed in the locker area, and he said, “Sorry if I seemed jumpy, but I’m married, and I live with my wife here.” Wife. In an apartment down the hall. I just gave him a look and left, but I felt a little guilty after. What do you think is my level of responsibility here?

• Choosing the Best App for You

Over the past several years, the popularity of online dating has skyrocketed compared to where it originally started. In fact, dating apps and websites have given single people a convenient new way to connect with people.

But, with this ease of use comes some new issues, particularly in the form of safety. For instance, interacting with strangers online can put you at risk for identity theft, online harassment, stalking, digital dating abuse, catfishing, and other scams. And, if you do decide to meet up 'in real life' (IRL) with someone you met online, there also is the chance that you could find yourself in physical danger as well.

To make navigating the online dating scene a little easier and safer, we have compiled a list of important facts about online dating. We also have put together some tips for selecting the best app for you as well as included keys to staying safe in the online dating world.

Cold, Hard Facts About Online Dating

Whether you are new to online dating, or you consider yourself a pro, it helps to have a clear understanding of what dating apps offer including how often they are used, how they are viewed by others, and even how honest people are when building their profiles. Here is everything you need to know about the online dating industry.

Online dating is growing in popularity

According to the eHarmony website, an online dating program for Christian singles, more than 40 million Americans are using online dating websites.

40% of Americans use online dating as a way to meet new people. What's more, 27% of young adults report using online dating sites, which is a 10% increase from 2013.

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Researchers speculate that this increase is due to the fact that dating apps are now available on smartphones. Meanwhile, online dating among 55 to 64-year-olds has also risen substantially with 12% indicating they use online dating sites compared to only 6% in 2013.

Online dating has lost some of its stigmas

In 2005, when the Pew Research Center first studied online dating habits, most Americans felt it was a subpar way of meeting people. But in their most recent study, nearly half of the public either knows someone who uses online dating or has met a spouse or partner through online dating. Still, 23% of Americans still think 'people who use online dating sites are desperate.'

People lie when using online dating sites

To some, it probably comes as no surprise that people lie when creating their online dating profiles. But a whopping 53% of Americans tell little white lies when developing their online profiles according to a survey conducted by the global research firm, Opinion Matters. Overall, women tend to post younger photos of themselves while claiming to be thinner. Meanwhile, men tend to embellish the truth when it comes to their careers attempting to appear more successful than they really are.

Some online daters assume you just want to hook up

Research suggests that many men who use online dating apps assume that women are looking for sex. But studies have shown that is not the case. For instance, the majority of Tinder's female users are looking for a genuine match and not a fling, even though the app has earned the reputation as being 'the hook up' app. In fact, 60% of Tinder's female users are looking for a relationship and do not want to hook up, according to informal research conducted by the Huffington Post. What's more, Statistic Brain reports that only 33% of women using online dating websites say they have sex on their first date with an online match.

Statistically, Online Relationships Don't Last

According to research conducted by Michigan State University, relationships that begin online are nearly 30% more likely to break down than relationships that began through a mutual friend or where couples met face-to-face first. And for couples who met online and then got married, the chances of that relationship working out are even gloomier, with online couples three times as likely to get divorced.

Online Dating Can Be De-Humanizing

The Association of Psychological Science says many people treat online dating like shopping. They swipe through photos looking for the perfect mate often dismissing someone more quickly than they would have had they first met the person face-to-face. Consequently, the researchers warn that online dating can make you picky and judgmental.

Some People Really Are Finding Love Online

According to Statistic Brain's Online Dating Industry Report, 20% of committed relationships began online. What's more, they say that 17% of couples that were married in the last year met on a dating website. Meanwhile, Pew Research Center reports that two-thirds of online daters have gone out with someone they were matched with. But, they also found that one-third of people who have used online dating have never actually gone on a date. So, the odds of meeting someone online are improving.

Choosing the Best App for You

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When it comes to selecting the best online dating app for you, reading reviews and comparing apps can get confusing, especially when the features and options not only vary widely but are constantly changing and evolving as developers change and improve the apps. And with more than 7,500 dating apps worldwide, there definitely are a lot to choose from. But, it doesn't have to be overwhelming. Follow these few simple steps to help you find the best app for you.

Review the Safety Features

Online dating can be a risky endeavor because there are so many unknowns. Consequently, you want to be sure that the app you select has some built-in safety features. Ideally, the app will promote its safety guidelines on the sign-up page. But if they do not, or if the safety guidelines are particularly hard to find, you may want to find a different app.

Check Out the Reporting and Blocking Features

Let's face it, when it comes to online dating, you are going to meet a few weirdos along the way - people that either creep you out or are just downright toxic. When this happens, you want to be able to report their behavior as well as block them from contacting you. For this reason, it is important to know upfront about how the app provides these features. And, if for some reason, there are no reporting or blocking features, then move on to the next app.

Determine the Level of Visibility the App Provides

When reviewing an app, check to see if you are able to control the visibility of your profile. Ideally, you want an app that allows more options to secure your profile. The less you have, the more exposed your information is on the Internet. For instance, the app, Hinge, offers several options for users to control who they see and who sees them. Just remember, the more options an app provides in this area, the better.

Avoid Sites and Apps That Allow Messaging Prior to Matching

No one likes receiving unwanted photos or creepy messages, which certainly is a possibility within dating apps. As a result, it is best to select an app that requires both people to have an interest before messaging can take place. This way, you can reduce the number of unwanted messages you get and limit it to only the people you want to be communicating with.

Pay Attention to the Geography Settings

Many online dating apps use your location as a way of allowing you to find possible matches. However, make sure the app allows you to some control over this setting. It is never a good idea to have an app that allows complete strangers to pinpoint where you are or even find your specific neighborhood. Sharing that kind of information just sets you up for problems.

Look for Free Trials and Free Versions

Most dating apps have both a free version and a paid version. As a result, you shouldn't shell out for the paid membership before you even know if you like the app or if it will be useful. What's more, having the free version is not going to keep you from meeting new people.

When you are first starting out, it can be a lot more beneficial to try several different apps to see what works rather than purchasing the premium membership before you have even taken it for a test drive. Plus, dating apps can get expensive if you are paying $10 to $25 a month for the service.

Reconsider Apps That Link to Social Media

Most dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge allow people to share data from their social media profiles. This is mostly harmless, but be aware of how much information is revealed on your dating profile as a result.

Remember, you do not know the people on the dating app and giving them access to your social media profile like photos of your family could be risky, especially if you are a single parent.

You also want to keep where you went to school, where you hang out, and even your employer private. Making this information available means that even after you have blocked people through the app, they still could still find you and harass you through social media.

Staying Safe While Using Dating Apps

While you are never to blame if someone behaves in a predatory or disrespectful way toward you in the online dating world, there are things you can do to stay safe. Here are some useful safety tips you can put into practice right away to help you be more mindful.

Use a Unique Photo

When developing your dating profile, avoid using the same photo that you have on your social media accounts. If you use the same photo as your Facebook photo or your Instagram page, it is really easy for someone to do a reverse image search with Google. As a result, if you are using the same photo on all your accounts, it is much easier for someone to find you on social media.

Leave Out the Personal Details

When developing your online dating profile, make sure you do not include your last name, contact information, nicknames, or social media handles. You want to keep the personal details to a minimum. After all, if you come across someone who is a little on the creepy side, you don't want them having too much information about you.

You may even want to tighten the security on your social media accounts to add another layer of protection. For instance, on Facebook change your page to where everything is private and only able to be viewed by 'Friends,' not 'Friends of Friends.'

Stay Inside the App

When you are messaging with a potential date, or even after a few dates, it is best to message one another inside the app. Although this might be inconvenient, if something doesn't work out, you do not have to worry about the fact that the person has your cell number.

What's more, staying inside the app provides you with an extra layer of protection. Some messaging systems with dating apps do not allow people to send photos or links, which can really reduce the number of unwanted photos you get.

Set Up a Google Phone Number

Eventually, you will want to talk with someone on the phone, either after you have met or beforehand. But instead of giving out your cell number, consider getting a Google phone number and forwarding it to your phone. It is pretty easy to set up. Once you log in to Google Voice, you simply choose your area code and select an available number. The instructions on the rest of the set-up process are pretty simple to follow.

Take Precautions When Meeting IRL

Avoid letting someone know exactly where you live. Instead, arrange to meet in a public place and provide your own transportation. You also should let a close friend know where you will be and when you will be home. You want your friends to know as much information as possible should something go wrong.

Once on your date, be sure you stay aware and alert. Do not leave your drink unattended and keep the first few dates short. You may even want to bring a self-defense tool with you such as pepper spray or a high-powered flashlight. And, if the person you are meeting is making you uncomfortable or scared, enlist the help of a friend in leaving the situation. Remember, you should never feel bad about putting your safety first. Even if you have to do something rude to escape a situation, you need to make sure you are safe.

• '5 Facts About Online Dating.' Pew Research Center, February 29, 2016. https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2016/02/29/5-facts-about-online-dating/

• 'Is Online Better Than Offline for Meeting Partners? Depends: Are You Looking to Marry or to Date?' Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, October 2014. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2014.0302

• 'Little White Lies.' Opinion Matters, 2011. https://beautifulpeoplecdn.s3.amazonaws.com/studies/usa_studies.pdf

• 'Online Dating Industry Report.' Statistic Brain. https://www.statisticbrain.com/online-dating-statistics/

• Finkel, Eli J., et al. 'Online Dating: A Critical Analysis From the Perspective of Psychological Science.' Psychological Science in the Public Interest, March 7, 2012. https://doi.org/10.1177/1529100612436522